The idea of a sexual play party can be both titillating and intimidating! Naturally people are nervous (and some are even terrified) about attending a sexual play party because they don’t know what to expect or how to act. Let’s explore some of the best practices to get the most out of your experience.
What Is a Play Party?
In essence, a “play party” is any party that encourages sexual or kinky activities. There is a wide range of such parties with different intentions and rules.
The term “play party” came from the BDSM culture (Bondage/Discipline or Dominance/Submission & Sado Masochism) and typically refers to a social gathering where guests engage in kinky activities in a common room or dungeon. Public sex may or may not be allowed, but is never mandatory, as the prime directive in the BDSM community is that all activity is safe, sane and consensual.
There are also sexual play parties that do not include any kink or BDSM. Many swingers or people in the “lifestyle” host sexual play parties in private homes or at sex clubs where the focus may be more about group sex, partner sex, or casual sex between people who just met.
What Makes a “Poly” Play Party?
A polyamory play party is unique because it is focused more on making love than casual or recreational sex and involves people who are polyamorous and oriented towards long-term love relationships. Polyamory play parties may or may not include practices of the BDSM and/or swinging culture. They are a safe laboratory to experiment with your full sexual expression. These parties are not free-for-all orgies.
Poly play parties are usually facilitated by a polyamorous family and tend to include more structure than a swing party. They often begin with an orientation and welcome circle and sometimes end with a closing circle. Many people come to poly play parties to practice expressing what feels good and what doesn’t, asking to get their needs met, setting boundaries, and perhaps even overcoming rejection.
Kamala Devi started her exploration of polyamory play parties in 2006 while co-creating with Reid Mihalko. We started with an intimate and committed group of about 8 local long term lovers in San Diego, who at the time called ourselves “Blackbelts.” This group has evolved into many different forms through the years and at one point we hosted an advanced Poly Play Party in Sedona with more than 130 experienced lovers and sacred sexual healers!
Following are Top 10 Tips on How to Prepare for a Poly Play Party.
10. Read the invitation. It’s important to note that protocols vary from community to community. The amount and kind of sexual contact allowed varies from party to party and city to city, depending on local laws regarding sexual conduct and public nudity. At some parties, penetrative sex may be allowed, while at others full nudity may be banned.
The organizer likely put a lot of thought and energy into the creation of the event and it’s important to align with their intention. This will also give you cues about the sub-culture.
9. Cleanliness is next to…Hotness. Hygiene is vital. In nearly every play party situation, hygiene is a must. Please come showered and clean with NO strong-smelling perfumes. Dress in sexy clothing with layers that makes you feel beautiful and confident. If it is a potluck do not bring anything with onions or garlic. You may want to bring your own baby wipes and mouth wash. Breath mints are encouraged; chewing gum is not.
8. What should I bring? Don’t forget your condoms, lube and any personal toys you might want to use. More experienced players may want to pack a toy bag with a variety of toys that they may want to share.
If it is an overnight event, you can bring a small bag of personal items such as a towel, toothbrush, toothpaste, brush, robe or second pair of lingerie, bedroll with sleeping bag and/or pillows.
If you want extra credit, you can ask the host if there are any specific supplies or food that you could bring for the play party. Bringing snacks, house gifts, flowers, or love letters are always appreciated before or after the party.
7. Play well with others. Be open and approachable. If you aren’t interested, be polite. You never know; you may make a good friend or be introduced to someone that you are compatible with through your connection. Play parties tend to bring out fears, uncertainties, and insecurities, so be kind. You do not have to play with everyone, but at least remember the golden rule and treat others like you’d want to be treated. General politeness goes a long way, such as “please” and “thank you.”
6. Respect the Space. If it’s not yours, ask permission first. This includes other lovers, people’s toys, and the space. Some public venue locations have non-penetration rules. Sometimes oils, body fluids and other messy play is prohibited: such as wax play or fire play? If you don’t like the rules, you can change them when you host your own party.
5. My lips are sealed. Many people are in the closet about their personal poly lifestyle. It is considered common courtesy not to share the details of what happened at the play party with each other’s vanilla friends. Do not Gossip. If you run into someone at the party in your vanilla life, they probably don’t want you to introduce them as the couple that you met at a sex party. Respect privacy.
4. Dress Code. Pay attention to dress codes. It may be acceptable to wear a G-string and pasties at the event, but arrive at the venue in your street clothes. If you are not comfortable taking your clothes off, there is absolutely no pressure to do that. At most Poly Play parties, you will be fine in your snuggly PJs.
3. Practice Safer Sex. Safer sex starts with a conversation. Be willing to communicate with all potential partners at a poly play party. Always be open and honest about your sexual history and ask the same of anyone that you play with. Most play parties encourage the use of latex barriers during penetration, as well as on toys, oral sex with dental dams and hand sex with gloves. Remember, there are no guarantees when it comes to sex. Even condoms can’t protect you all the time. And some people have latex allergies. If you have an allergy, it’s absolutely necessary that you bring your own alternatives with you.
2. Voyeurism is participation. Both voyeurism and exhibitionism are both welcome. If you are not an active participant in a scene, you can actually add to a scene by appreciating others. Kamala Devi likes to re-frame voyeurism as holding space or being a sacred witness.
It is important to be non-judgmental towards people who do heavy or unusual play. Remember, if you’re at a play party, you’re one of us. The rule of thumb is to watch from a distance that does not make the people you are watching uncomfortable, and if you are so close that they can feel your gaze or your breath, you may want to ask for permission to watch.
In some cases, if it is negotiated in advance, there is nothing wrong with masturbating as part of a scene while watching others, even just as an observer. As with all things, communication is key.
1. Be yourself.
If you follow this basic advice, you should be good to go at any event no matter who or where it is. Remember the whole point is to play, so enjoy yourself. Be open-minded and explore your sexuality and fantasies. Everyone is here to have a good time!
Go to the Events tab at KamalaDevi.com or click this link http://www.kamaladevi.com/events to see a list of upcoming Snuggle Parties!
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